i only have eyes for you - part 2

Part 1

Six weeks later, I sat on my front porch with Blonde Guy as he told me that he needed a break from our relationship. I was dumbfounded, even though I had felt like something was up for a week or so. It was the proverbial punch in the gut. He said that he just needed some time apart to think about things. From my perspective, things were left it open-ended and I was hopeful that maybe, just maybe he would change his mind. Even though I was in a state of shock and bawling my eyes out (yes, in front of him), I felt a strange peace.

Blonde Guy left and I retreated to my room to wonder what had just happened and where we went wrong. I thought and rethought my behavior and my words - thinking that something I had said or done had caused this somehow. I cried. I cried some more. And I praised God for His presence with me that evening and for the peace that I felt in my soul.

For three days following the break-up I praised God. I really can't explain why, but I just had a sense that this was right.

On the fourth day, a Saturday, I didn't want to get out of bed. I think it was 12:30pm before I dragged myself out of my bed - mostly out of guilt for sleeping in so late. I was at the lowest point I think I've ever been in my life.

Looking back, I see that I had wrapped up so much of my identity in Blonde Guy. Just the fact that I could say "I have a boyfriend" made me so excited. I can see that I sacrificed a lot of who Caroline was to please Blonde Guy.

In the weeks that followed our break-up, I was struggling. I can't tell you how many times I heard people say, "There'll be other fish in the sea", or "You're young, you have plenty of time to settle down." UGH. That is not what I wanted to hear. I wanted someone who understood me and would listen without trying to make things better.

I didn't find that in a human being. I love my family and friends, but they couldn't be there for me in the deepest way. They didn't fully understand the hurt in my heart.

I spent many nights in my room, Bible open, just crying out to God. I told Him everything (or so I thought). There were moments I felt like life wasn't worth living and I told Him that. There were moments where I hated myself and I told Him that. But there was one thing I was holding back on.

My boss was really understanding and listened to all of my break-up woes. She said one thing that I have never forgotten. She told me not to hold back telling God anything because He was big enough to take it.

That night, in the comfort of my room, I poured my heart out to God again. I thought He might strike me with His lightning for telling Him this and as I spoke it, I cringed, awaiting the punishment that followed His shock and awe (yeah, right) at what I would say.

"God, I don't believe that You are enough for me. I don't believe you want to give me a husband. I don't believe you really want the best for me."

I waited. No lightning - I was still alive.

What followed my confession was the most incredible thing ever. As I sat on my bed, I literally felt like I was sitting in the lap of my Father and His arms were wrapped completely around me. I felt comfortable. I felt understood. I just sat in His lap and cried.

It was then that He began to show me in tangible ways how He was enough for me.

One of the feelings that I experienced was extreme loneliness. Loneliness so deep that it was physically painful. The only salve for my loneliness was the knowledge that Jesus had felt that deep loneliness as he hung on the cross dying for my sin. Knowing that He was the Only One who could totally relate with how I felt drew me closer to Him.

God also used two precious little girls to demonstrate His care and concern for me. I always had a hard time viewing myself as God's daughter prior to this point in my life. In my head I knew it, but my heart hadn't quite caught up. Over at a friend's house one day I watched as her two year old followed her daddy through the yard, literally right on his heels. My friend said, "She is so in love with her father and wants to do everything he does."

God also used the daughter of our church's youth pastor to speak to me. I was attending a meeting at their home (Blonde Guy was also there - how awkward) and we were all sitting around in the living room. "L" walked in, sat in her dad's lap and exclaimed "I love my doddy!". "J", her daddy, did not seem the least bit annoyed that she had interrupted our meeting and loved on her a minute before sending her to her mom to get ready for bed.

I then realized that that is how God sees me. I am His precious child. He is enough for me. He is sufficient. The hurt was still there, but so was His presence. I could run to His lap anytime, for anything.

My heart was beginning to heal and God was changing me.

In the fall of 2002, I received a promotion and became the Executive Director of the non-profit organization that I had worked for since 1999. With the promotion came a raise and much more responsibility - speaking engagements, later nights, more networking in the community, and so on. For the past three years, I had been commuting about 40 minutes each way to work. When I took this new position, I realized that to truly be effective in my job, I needed to move to the city where I worked.

The city where I was living has a population of around 200,000, and includes single men, and several Target stores.
The city where I was working (and still live) has a population of around 25,000 in the city limits, has only a few quality single men, and no Target.

At the time, I was single, so the idea of moving to this small city was not appealing. However, I did feel that the Lord was leading me there, so I went obediently. I recall laying in my bed one night prior to my move thinking, "Okay Lord, it would be so cool if I moved into an apartment and next door was a good-looking Christian guy. Nah, who am I kidding? That will never happen."

I should learn not to limit God...