i only have eyes for you - part 1

I always knew I wanted to be married.

According to my plan, I would meet the man of my dreams in college, get engaged our senior year, and marry the summer after graduation.

Four years of college came and went without so much as a boyfriend. I graduated, began my career, and moved into an apartment with two girlfriends.

Since my first plan didn't work out, I launched another plan - to be married by the age of 24 and have my first child by the time I was 27. After all, I wanted to be done by the age of 30 because I thought 30 was old. Little did I know.

Shortly following college graduation, the onslaught of weddings began. I have always loved weddings. I love the girly-ness of them. I love how radiant a bride is. I love to watch the face of the groom as she is coming down the aisle to meet him. I love the fact that God loves weddings because they (along with the marriage) are a picture of our relationship with Christ. They are deeply significant and beautiful. They were also a constant reminder of what I didn't have - a husband.

Now, I know that I would and could have made it without a man in my life, but I believe God placed a desire for marriage within me and I believed I would get married. I just thought God would work on my timetable.

In 2001, I met Blonde Guy. I spoke of him briefly here. I feel the need to talk about him to set everything up just so. You understand. I'm building your curiosity by just mentioning him aren't I? Now you want to know what happened. I know you do.

My first outing with Blonde Guy happened to be on my 24th birthday - July 4, 2001. He picked me up in his truck and we went to the Fun Fourth Street Festival in our city. We strolled around, listened to some good music, he ate a polish sausage thingy that dripped mustard on his feet (he was wearing sandals), and pretty much sweated our tuckuses off. Following the festival, we went back to his apartment for a cookout with several other friends. He had gotten a cake and some balloons for me. At this point, we weren't anything except friends.

He didn't exactly come out and tell me his feelings for me, and one night I remember feeling a bit anxious about what was going on. We had been spending some time together and I knew I had "more than friend" feelings for him, but I wanted to know where he stood. I called him and drove over to his apartment where I expressed to him that I was definitely interested in being "more than friends". He was also interested in me, but didn't want to put a label on our relationship yet.

Blonde Guy and I continued to hang out well into the fall and winter and my feelings for him grew. We would go mountain biking after church on Sundays. We'd talk on the phone several nights each week. He would surprise me with notes on my car windshield some mornings when I would leave for work. Things were going well. Several people, including my new roommates (who knew him) warned me that things had not ended so well with his previous girlfriend (who we also knew). Still, I was convinced things would be different this time - he would be different with me.

I was constantly left wondering where we stood. I wanted the DTR (Define the Relationship) talk, but he was mum. One evening (several months after our first date), I wanted to know what we "were". Were we girlfriend/boyfriend, just friends, or what? He told me that while he still had feelings for me, he didn't want to put a label on our relationship because that might mean people would expect certain things from us (i.e. holding hands, kissing, etc.). The relationship definitely wasn't physical as he never really held my hand and we never kissed at all (even though I would have been a willing participant).

My emotions were a constant roller coaster. I had convinced myself that he was the one for me, even though inside I had an unsettled feeling.

At the end of March 2002, we were invited to a couple's bridal shower for one of Blonde Guy's roommates who was getting married. Right before I left the shower, I was talking to the bride and she said, "So, you and Blonde Guy are boyfriend/girlfriend?...Congratulations!!! I'm so excited for you".

At that moment, I could have caught a million flies in the gaping hold that was my mouth. This was news to me as Blonde Guy never made mention of us "being" anything. Now he was putting a label on it and he neglected to tell the one person that really should have known. I wasn't mad - to the contrary - I was quite excited that our relationship was to this point. I had a boyfriend! WHEEEEEEE!

My joy, however, was short lived...