bless the beasts and the children

Good ol' Discovery Channel.

They feature the likes of Mike Rowe and his ability to fail at every disgusting job in the world on Dirty Jobs. They bring us hours and hours of crab fishing with The Deadliest Catch. They allow reformed thieves to break into willing participants' homes just to show them how easy it is (It Takes a Thief), and they also bring us Bear Grylls doing naked calisthenics on Man vs. Wild.

Can it get any better?


Why yes, yes it can. I bring you....VERMINATORS. A show where the best and brightest of exterminators enter uncharted territory to eradicate the most unsavory of creatures. You name it, they maim it - pigeons, roaches, bed bugs, mice, rats, snakes, squirrels - you get the picture.

On one particular episode, a couple has a little problem with mice. Heather, you can relate to this can't you? The husband wanted the vermin G-O-N-E. Dead. Pushing up daisies. The wife on the other hand, has eaten a little too much P.E.T.A. bread if you know what I mean and didn't want the mice killed. Not only that, but she didn't even want to check the traps to see if they were full.

Now, I can totally relate with her there. When I was pregnant with the redhead we had three little mice make nice and cozy in our living room sofa. They were actually stealing our dog's food and hiding it in their nest inside the couch. Gives me chills just to think of it. Anyway, we went away for the weekend and set 4 snap traps. When we came back, they were all "sleeping" peacefully on their little wooden beds. Made me want to break into song...

Three blind mice, three blind mice...

**Ahem**. Sorry, got a little carried away. So my point is that while I don't want to touch their lifeless bodies, I want to make sure they have lifeless bodies so that they won't enter my residence again. Can I get an AMEN?

So, back to Verminators. The head exterminator comes back to this couple's home to make sure the traps have worked their magic. As he is coming out of the basement with two snap traps containing little dead mice, the wife catches a glimpse of the carnage. She promptly busts into tears, falling into her husbands arms. Honestly, I'm surprised I caught anymore dialogue due to my uncontrollable laughter, but I settled down in time to hear her say, with tears streaming down her cheeks...

"We're murderers."

BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Are you kidding me? I mean, I love animals too, but let's get a grip here. Mice are cute in their proper place. Take Fievel from An American Tale (1986). He's adorable. And the Rescuers. Daring. Courageous. Kind. But mice in the house - that's a whole different ball game sister. If you don't kill 'em, they'll come back, and bring more little friends with them.

I think she should concern herself with much more important matters. For instance, fighting hunger in her town, helping educate teens about the dangers of sexually transmitted diseases, finding out what Brangelina named their twins. I'm just sayin'.