look what the brits can do that we can't

Last night I was watching this...


(I heart Ever After) and I was reminded of a recent conversation between myself and my gal pal Lula. Topic of Discussion: English Accents Slaughtered By American Actors.

Now, I love me some Drew Barrymore. She was Gertie in ET for crying out loud, and she may very well have been the first and only 5 year old in big screen history to utter the words "penis-breath" to her older brother. But that's neither here nor there. The fact of the matter is...she stinks at talking like a Brit.

Terrible English Accent #2 -

Kevin Costner in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

He vacillated between an American accent and a PITIFUL English accent in the first 15 minutes and then just threw in the towel on the English accent all together.

Lula's contributions to this critique include this lovely Oscar winner...

However, according to Lula, Gwyneth's accent in "Emma" stunk. I have nothing to contribute to this because I have not seen the movie. I'll side with Lula though, cause she's right about everything.

Lula also says that this guy, Gerard Butler, did a terrible British accent in "Nim's Island", another movie I haven't seen.


I'll take her word for it.

I think the best British accent I ever heard was the one I did during a phone call to my parents in 2001. It may have helped a little that I was standing in one of these...in London.

My sister's accent on the other hand was more reminiscent of Kevin Costner's, only once she strayed away from the British accent, she traveled farther east, to the land of Apu (the Kwik-E-Mart clerk on the Simpson's) - that would be India. Oh yes she did. She transitioned from a British accent to an Indian accent. FLAWLESSLY.

So American's can't do British accents, but can the British execute American "accents"?

Let's examine some evidence...

Christian Bale

He turned out a New Yorker's accent in Newsies, and a fabulously sexy voice as Batman. I know I've seen him in other stuff, but that's 2 good performances. Drew? Kevin? No comments? Didn't think so.

Let's move on shall we? We shant forget our dear friend Edward Cullen, played by Brit Robert Pattinson. Flawless American accent. Flawless skin too. I wonder if he uses Noxema?


And then we have my favorite Brit turned grumpy doctor...

I'm really liking this picture. Ahem...anyway, Hugh Laurie who plays "House". His American accent is soooo good that when I see interviews with him speaking with a British accent I think he's bluffing. Yes, his American accent is really that good.

So to sum up our findings...Americans should just stick to what they're good at...American accents, or in my case...sound effects and leave the English to the Brits.

the reason God invented caller id

Telemarketers. Most likely you have spoken with one at some point in your life. You know its a telemarketer because a) there is a long pause, after which you say hello four times, they launch into their schpiel (sp?), or b) they totally mispronounce your name at which point their cover is blown. Telemarketers usually call armed with some great offer to reduce your student loan payment, fit your home with new windows (tell them you're renting and they'll leave you alone), or tell you that because you own a Visa card, you are entered to win a sweepstakes.

The latter was the reason I received the telemarketing call to beat all telemarketing calls. She politely introduced herself and said the name of the company she worked for. It had to do something with reading, but as soon as I knew she was a telemarketer, my defenses were at the ready. The exchange went something like this...

Tele-witch: Hi, my name is Tele-witch and I am with "such and such" company. Because you possess a Visa card, you have been automatically entered to win a $50,000 sweepstakes.

Me: (in a sarcastic, annoyed tone)How do you know I have a Visa card?

Tele-witch: Its just what my notes here say. Anyway, you've been entered to win a $50,000 sweepstakes.

Me: I really don't want to be entered in a sweepstakes, I don't care about sweepstakes.

Tele-witch: Well...okay, but you are still elegible for three free magazine subscriptions for one year.

Okay, stop here for a second. Let me tell you what was going on in my life at this point. I was single and living in a different city in NC, commuting 40 minutes each way to work, and had just gotten a promotion to the Executive Director position of the non-profit I worked for (i.e. spent most of my time at work trying to figure out this new job and when I wasn't working, I was driving to and from work, and when I wasn't working or driving, I was eating or sleeping.). With that said..

Me: Three magazine subscriptions? I really don't read magazines.

TW: Well, surely there are things that you are interested in. For instance, I'm interested in gardening, history, etc.

Me: (she just upped the level of my annoyance - what part of I don't read magazines did she not understand?) That's great for you, but I really don't have time to read magazines right now.

TW: Everybody has time to read magazines or do something with their spare time. What do you like to do in your spare time?

Me: (At this point, I was getting really flustered and almost yelling at her) I do.... stuff. Look lady, I just got a new job and I really don't have time to read anything. And by the way, why am I telling you this? Its none of your business what I do or don't do with my spare time!

TW: (in an almost inaudible voice) ...you're a loser....(**click**).

Me: Hello? Hello? OH, NO SHE DI'INT!!!!!

At this point, I think I ran through the house screaming. I was hurt, no I was ANGRY that anyone would call me a loser, but a TELEMARKETER calling me a loser?!...OH, IT WAS ON! I tried to sift through the collection of furious, sinful thoughts in my head and find one that would be somewhat constructive and not land me in the slamma' with all the she-brutes.

I mashed re-dial, but the number was unavailable. *%&?! I tried to remember what the name of the company she said she worked for was. I thought I recalled it, but when I called information, there was no such company available. I was really veklempt in a not so good way by this point. I didn't have the presence of mind to search the internet for this company. I really wanted to talk to her supervisor and give him/her a piece of my mind about what that tele-witch had said to me. I wanted revenge. I never got it.

I figure, if she's still a telemarketer after all these years, then there's my revenge. I'm sorry- who did you call a loser?

excuse me, but you're rude

It's amazing the gumption that some people have. This past weekend, hubby, redhead, and I went to visit my parents for Father's Day weekend. Mom, the redhead, and I went to a grocery store to pick up a few items. On our way into the store, we stopped to put the redhead in a shopping cart. This store has anti-bacterial wipes right next to the carts (that's my kind of thinkin'!), so we stopped to wipe down the cart before inserting the redhead. Now, my mama always said you gotta be considerate of other folks around you. Remembering these words, I was careful to move out of the way while we were getting the redhead situated - there was a couple behind us, but clearly they had enough room to move around us. Once settled, we headed into the store. The couple was still behind us and mom gently tugged on my sleeve and said (in a loud voice) - Let's let them pass, I think she'll be much happier if she can get by!" I moved over and they walked by us. It was then that mom told me that while we were wiping down the cart and getting the redhead in, the woman said in an irritated voice..."Any day now!".

OH NO SHE DI'INT!

This was no time to be considerate of others...

So, I said in a loud voice... "What is her problem? That is so rude!" (How lame)

This really got to me. Of course, I always think of really creative things to say after the fact, and never in the middle of a situation. What I really wanted to do was go up to her and ask her if she has children and if so then does she remember how difficult it is to go anywhere with even one child. Then I was going to tell her that I feel sorry for her children and grandchildren if their mother and grandmother is so impatient that she can't wait less than one minute for another person. THEN, I wanted to follow her all over the store and sing "The Patience Song" in her ear the whole time she shopped. It goes like this...

Have patience, have patience, don't be in such a hurry
When you get impatient, you only start to worry
Remember, Remember that God is patient to
And think of all the times that others have to wait for you

So, rude woman, if you're reading this, I think you're...well, rude. I could say that I hope you didn't wipe down your cart good enough and that you get a cold or e-coli, or sudden explosive diarrhea, but as mama also said..."If you can't say something nice, don't say nothin' at all."

'Nuff said.

dear nkotb,

When I first heard you were reuniting I'll admit my heart did a little flutter. Thoughts of you in your ripped jeans, topless hats, and batman shirts flooded my mind. Our first meeting was at Carowinds in 1989. I got the ticket for my 12th birthday. My friend Jenny went with me and even though we were on the 54th row, I felt like you were singing just to me. Some girl name Tiffany opened up for you, and although I liked her music, I could have done without her. My focus was on the five of you, and thankfully, you never even noticed that I maimed another fan while doing the arm swing to Hangin' Tough. Jon, you were my favorite. My sister liked you Donnie. And Joey, Jenny liked you the best, with your piercing blue eyes and all.

I knew every word to every song on the Hangin' Tough album. I tried to dance the way you did in the You Got It (the Right Stuff) video and wanted to be the cute girl in the dark skirt that runs through what looks like a old cemetary in New Orleans. Anyway, I'm digressing.

I saw your new video "Summertime" yesterday and I have to say, boys - um, I mean men, I was clearly disappointed in what I saw. Its been 14 years since we said good-bye and since then the world has seen the rise of The Backstreet Boys, N'Sync, and Il Divo (we have Simon Cowell to thank for that one). What I saw yesterday was a meager attempt to regain your fame of days gone by. The song...well, it didn't really have legs to stand on. Your legs, however, can still do some dancin', but I can tell you're getting older, as you don't move quite as gracefully. Thank you though that you can still dance, cause its really obvious now that you can't sing. I was blind to this fact when I was younger, but now, the truth can't be denied. It's amazing what digital recording and voice enhancement can do for a recording artist. All this to say - I just see us moving in different directions. I think we need to see other people and clearly your contingent will probably be under 15 - with a few stragglers leftover from my generation. I would say it's not you, its me, but clearly, it's you - sorry.

I guess we'll always have the memories NKOTB. Unfortunately for you, your tour ends here. Parting is such sweet sorrow. However, I will bestow upon you one parting gift. Please use as needed.





Sincerely,
Caroline

P.S. Go ahead...sing "Please Don't Go Girl"...just for kicks.