what defines me

Hi. It's me Caroline. You know, author extraordinaire of Pocket Change. And also the one who's been away for the last week. Allow me to explain.

Without launching into a bunch of unnecessary jargain about what's been going on the last several months, let's just say that I allowed this blog to take over my life. I would blog in the morning, letting the redhead watch tv for a couple hours just so I could "do my thing". I would blog during his nap - a time when I need to be spending time in Bible Study and "gettin' my Jesus on", but nope - I would blog then too. I would blog before dinner, after dinner, and into the evening while my husband sat watching tv.

The sad part? The whole time I was blogging, I was feeling guilty, like I should be tending to my responsibilities at home and to my family. But I continued blogging.

Last Monday was the breaking point. I sat alone working on a new Bible Study I'm a part of (Priscilla Shirer's Discerning the Voice of God - hmmm, coincidence...I think not) when I knew that something had to change. I'm going to share with you some excerpts of my journal entries from the past week:

A friend recently wrote about her love of blogging and how it had become an idol in her life and that she wanted to love Jesus more. She realized that she needed to give it up completely. I too realize that blogging has become an idol for me - while an outlet at times, it has really become a means of escaping responsibility, a hindrance keeping me from my family, but mostly a hindrance from my relationship with the Lord. A few weeks ago I told God that I didn't want to give up blogging and wasn't ready to obey if that is what He asked me to do. I have conintued to be plagued by unrest and my spirit is not at peace. I know God is trying to speak to me about this idol, but I'm stuffing my ears.

I feel I'm finally getting to a point where I want to hear what God is saying. I know what I hear Caroline saying - "I don't want to give up blogging...its my creative outlet". I know that I am also really bogged down in what other people will think. I also know what I want God to say - "it's okay, you don't have to give up blogging completely, just don't love it more than you love me".

Right now, I can't hear anything clearly and I want to, I need to. I love blogging and I recive much affirmation and have made many "friends", but my relationship with Christ will not flourish and I will not hear God if I don't chosse to obey.

I believe what I need to do is take a step away from blogging for a week and really clear my mind and heart to hear from God. Because I don't know whose voice is whose, right now I must take time to discern His voice and put Him back on the throne of my life.

So, I took a week off.

My love of blogging didn't dissipate - at all. The desire to blog all hours of the day did. My desire to spend more time with Jesus grew exponentially as I spent precious time with Him this week.

I also realized that while blogging in and of itself is not sinful, what I made blogging into - something I love more than God - is sinful.

My desire to spend time with my precious son who will only be small a short time grew. My desire to spend time with my husband also grew. God changed my heart, I just made myself available to Him.

So, with that said. I'm not hanging up the blog totally (unless I hear otherwise), but I won't be posting as often. If I lose some readers, then I lose some readers. That's hard for me to stomach. However, I desire to please my Father more.

This week, the Lord brought a Scripture to mind:

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

Hebrews 12:1-3

It is so easy for me to become entangled in something that has no eternal value. It has happened with computer games, blogging, and worrying about what's going on with all the celebrities. What I truly desire to be embedded in is God's truth and a growing relationship with Him. I pray that as I seek to become more intimate with my Father, He will give me a passion for the things He desires as well.